Suncreen and 75

It was such a lovely day today! The temp got all the way to 75 and I got a sunburn!! Of course, I think to put SPF 50 on the baby and nothing on myself. Ooops. Now I'm a bit itchy, but it'll be tan tomorrow.

We walked with our mommy group this morning. As usual, me and Kami kicked butt and outpaced the group. Not that it's a race, but we all know how competitive I am, so... We walked about 4 miles today! Woohoo! Those jeans are getting closer and closer to fitting.

Mary came over later and we went down to Juanita beach and walked and chatted down there. It was just such a beautiful day I could think of no reason to stay inside. Except that RE is going through her 3 month growth spurt and nursing every stinkin' hour! But not even that could keep me inside today. Have baby, will travel.

Then Lisa stopped by, which was great, since we haven't seen her in an AGE! She hadn't even met the baby yet.

All in all, another great day. If this weather keeps up, I'm going to be one happy girl! What is it about sunshine? I swear it's like a drug. But that's what living in Seattle will do to a person. When it's out, I appreciate it SO much more than I did living in California. It's days like yesterday and today that remind me how much I love living here.

Memories...like the corners of my mind

or something like that.

Anyways. Do you remember when you were a kid having to go to bed before the sun went down? I was sitting in Ryan's room, feeding her, about 8 tonight, and her room was awash with that dusk-y glow (greenish, since her room's bright green), listening to Michael talk with his buddies, and thinking back to when I was 8 or 9 years old.
My parents used to tuck us in while the sun was still out. I always thought that was so unfair. There was a corner of my bedroom window, where, if I sat just right, I could watch all the big kids still playing on the street. My window was always open (California, summer, no A/C) and I could hear them shreiking and screaming and I was so jealous. My mom and dad would always go and chat with the neighbors in the cul-de-sac and I would just watch them all hanging out and feel so left out. This all came flooding back to me last night and I thought, how can I make Ryan go to sleep right now? All the action is out in the other room. She wasn't having it anyway. She was happy to eat, but had no mind to crash out. She wound up staying up until 10, just hanging out with mommy and the guys.
Today was just one of those beautiful, late spring/early summer days that brings back floods of memories for me. It's the kind of weather I can remember growing up, and with the sunshine I can almost hear the shouts of kids on the streets, and feel the cool grass between my toes. I almost start itching as though I'd been playing in the pool and rolling on the lawn all day. I can only hope that Ryan will have memories like this to think back on someday. It's still astonishing that I have the power to help her make these memories, and I have every intention of doing that.

Oh, and today is my half birthday. I'm 26 and a half. Ouch.

Mmmm...stinky

God, she smells good. It's astonishing how wonderful such a tiny person can smell. Like a mixture of sweet breast milk, sticky spit up, drool, and baby funk. Somehow this makes the most wonderful perfume I've ever inhaled. I'm sure it's some biological necessity to ensure that I don't reject her and that I continue to care for her, but I don't care. She's stinks good.

Tiptoe through the tulips

We took a trip up to LaConner and the tulips today and it was so lovely! Ryan was in a fabulous mood, as usual, and the weather was sunny and not freezing cold! It was our first "family trip" and we both marveled that we now have a "family". Every once in a while it hits us that we have a child and that the three of us constitute a real family. We all really enjoyed spending the day together and have decided that we need to take more days like this to enjoy together.
And of course, the day would not have been complete without the usual baby drama! She had a major blow out that we changed in the stroller, on the street...adventurous. I whacked her head pretty hard on the car door, left a big bruise, we both cried. I felt like a pretty shitty mom, but now, several hours later, I can see the humor in it. I can't believe how much I desired to take the hurt away from her. All I wanted to do was make it stop hurting. Her wails were so tragic, that horrible, stop breathing, can't catch a breath baby cry. I just held her and rocked her until she stopped, poor kid. But, half an hour later, at the tulip fields, she was all smiles!

Seven hours

She slept 7 hours last night!! Holy cow! I really hope this is a trend, cause if it is, I’m good to go. As it is, you DO get used to not sleeping, or at least not sleeping consecutive hours. Of course, michael and I decided to watch a movie and do other stuff, so I only got 4 straight hours, but it’s all good.

I have to get a video of her playing with her hands. Every morning, when she’s lying in bed next to me, she fusses with her hands, playing with them, putting them in her mouth, wringing them together, all while slowly waking up and yawning and blinking. It’s darling. But, then again, I think her poop is cute, so I’m a little biased.

11 pounds, 8 ounces

Little Miss weighed 11lbs, 8oz on the kitchen scale today. She’s getting so big! We’ll be in the 3-6 month clothes by the time she’s 4 months! Such a peanut.

Argghhhh, puke.

At Evergreen group today, Ryan rolled halfway from her back to her tummy! She’s working on it! Before we know it, she’ll be rolling all over the house, but for now, I’m still contect that she’s immobile. It’s easier that way! Oooh, and we won a pair of BabyLegs (legwarmers). Yay! Another pair! Nothing cuter than a babe in leg warmers.

She’s all over her hands though now. She wrings them like a little old lady, fussing and worrying. I think she’s an old soul. When you look at her face, she just seems to be thinking really deep thoughts, and she seems so wise beyond her months. I really feel that she was around in a previous life, and she did something good enough to come back as a person. I’m so intrigued to get to know her as she grows up.

So, I had her all dressed in this adorable pink tunic and matching floral pants…looking quite springy and fashionable, and she puked on the shirt. Dammit. But Michael, quick thinking man he is, says, just rinse it out and dry it and it’ll be ready before you go to group. Good idea! 15 minutes later, she pukes again. This time, on the pants. The outfit’s done. Kiddo insists on at least one wardrobe change per day, fashionista that she is. I just wish she wouldn't puke or poop to indicate she’s ready for new clothes.

Easter Sunday

Easter is a BIG day for the peanut. We went to a lovely egg hunt that Costco put on and she stayed awake the whole time. Then we came home, hung out and headed over to Michele’s in the afternoon. Her family was kind enough to invite us for dinner with them. We had a great time, her family is very much like my own, and very welcoming. Ryan stayed awake the whole time. And she was in a shockingly good mood. But it took us hours to get her to crash out when we got home. Just goes to show, keeping them up during the day does nothing for getting them to sleep at night.

applaud or curse?

She slept in the crib for half the night tonight! Score! Each night it gets a little bit easier and she cries a little bit less. Really, we’re down to less than 10 minutes of on and off crying before she crashes out. Thank goodness, cause it was really tough to listen to her cry, knowing she’s exhausted, and not being able to do anything for her.

I don’t know if I should applaud her for being so strong willed, or curse her for being so stubborn. I’m sure it’ll be a bit of both over the next 20 years!

Shopping, shopping, shopping

RE and I went shopping with Auntie Julie today! We spent all day long in DT Seattle and she was fabulous. I've never met a 10 week old who can shop like this. She has no problems being out for 7 hours at a stretch.

Auntie Julie is 12 weeks pregnant and finally needed to make her first maternity clothes purchases. And of course, we bought baby clothes. We did some major damage at Children's Place despite the fact that RE has more than enough clothing and Julie only thinks she's having a boy.

All in all, a great day...oh, and we both had Hot Dog on a Stick. No, it's not in my "lose the baby weight" plan, but damn, it tasted good.

Sleeping and hands

I always feel bad venting about her, because I love her more than life itself, but sometimes, like tonight, I get so annoyed. It just took me an hour and a half to get her to sleep. It's killer because I know she's tired, but she just wants to be rocked to sleep and I feel that at almost three months, it's time for her to start learning to sleep on her own. I am impatient though, and despite this being the first day we've tried it, I expect her to understand and just sleep.

Oh, and she’s discovered her hands. This just started happening this week and it’s adorable! When she’s hungry, she goes at her hands like they’re hamburgers! She’s actually managed to get her entire fist in her mouth. It’s too cute. And she found a foot the other day. She grabbed it, kind of looked at it with this quizzical look as if to say “why can I feel that?”. I love watching her discoveries. It’s amazing to literally see her making those connections and know that she is learning and growing. She’s such an amazing baby.

There's a monster!

A couple of times in the last few days, Ryan has looked up, or woken up and just started screaming. And I mean screaming like someone is pulling her toes off, not just fussing. She did it earlier today on the changing table and just looked up, got this totally freaked out look on her face, and started screaming. I think she's seeing monsters!

Or not

So, basically, the doctors were just really quick to judge (plus, it being an ER doc and his not knowing Ryan didn't help any) and whatever it was seems to have passed. She is back to her normal, happy self. A little fussier than usual, but certainly not the tortue I hear is true colic. We actually think she might be teething and that could be part of her fussy issue! Poor kiddo!

April Fools

Colic makes even the most confident parent feel like a complete failure. Last night, after Ryan screamed her head off intermittently for 5 hours, we took her to the ER. The ER doc really had no answer for us, and since she was quite happy at the ER (smiling, giggling, not caring that she was butt naked), he diagnosed her with that bizzare excuse for crying: colic. Since it’s not understood what causes colic, there isn’t a cure for it either. Just a million different things to try to get your baby to calm down. One of which is holding them. All day. Much as I love to hold Ryan, sometimes, I like a break. Unfortunately, this means crying. Although, right now, she’s content in her swing. And actually asleep. Kind of. I called the triage nurse at Lakeshore just to see, because I thought the ER doc was kind of an idiot (he kept calling her a little critter) and she basically said the same thing.

I feel like a bit of a failure…it seems like this shouldn’t just crop up at two months old in an otherwise happy, healthy baby. I keep thinking that I did something wrong, or that if I’d done something different. I know this isn’t the case, but still.

It seems that the larger my heart gets, the more fragile it becomes. I know that when I first realized I loved Michael, I also realized how much greater the capacity for pain became. If he had ever done anything to hurt me, I would have been crushed. Now, eight years later, I know that he won’t do anything, but still understand that should he, I would be completely heartbroken.

When Ryan was born, I realized how great the capacity to love is. Again, I realize how fragile it is as well. Everytime I look at this little girl, it dawns on me how much she means to me. Should anything ever happen to her, I would be crushed. I know it’s morbid, but after such a rough evening, and this nagging feeling that something is wrong with her, I start thinking about life without her and I just could never do it. I think that a huge part of me would die. She is my life, and my love, and my whole world. They say you really don’t understand love until you have a child, and it’s true. I would really give my life for this little girl. I would do anything to protect her and keep her from harm.

Life is so delicate, and it’s amazing that it’s possible for such a teeny person to bring out so much in a person.