Crush

Ryan has her first crush. On a boy. Not one that she's grown up with and that feels, probably, more like a sibling.

It's sweet. And adorable. She can't stop talking about Tyler, and how she plays with him at school, and sits by him during "first circle, and snack, and second circle. THREE times, mama" and plays with him outside.

As she was babbling away in the backseat (Tyler this and Tyler that), it hit me. This is just the beginning. This is just her first crush. Someday, she'll be older, and have another crush, and she'll feel those butterflies in her tummy when he walks by. And someday after that, she'll be even older, and he'll break her heart. And yes, this is what I think about as I'm driving to preschool, listening to showtunes in the car. He'll break her heart, and I'll think back to Tyler. The sweet little boy she had her first crush on.

A girl never forgets her first crush. Just like she never forgets her first love. And her first heartbreak. I could tell you all their names, but I won't.
And she never, ever, forgets her true love. If she's really lucky, she'll get to marry that boy.
And live happily ever after (more or less) with him.
And he'll love her.
And she'll love him.

I love you Michael. Happy Anniversary. Thank you for six amazing years of marriage. For holding my hand, for letting me hold yours. For catching my baby, for holding my babies, for helping make these amazing girls of ours. For helping to make our house truly a home.

We've Moved!

No, not a new house. Just a new home on the WWW.

www.repeanut.wordpress.com

Come, join us. It's just as fun over there.

Katy

Mama Love

I remember the first time I realized just how much I loved Ryan. It nearly knocked me to the ground. But I'm used to it now. I'm used to that feeling, and though it's always overwhelming, it doesn't knock me upside the head anymore.

 What surprises me lately is just how much I love Finleigh. I knew I'd love her. I expected to love her. I'm just, once again, taken back by how much I love her. It's breathtaking.

I remember someone once telling me that she's step in front of a bullet for her kids. I was 22, and didn't understand it. Couldn't understand it. But it stuck with me. And I get it now. I'd step in front of a bullet for my girls. Without even thinking, I would do that for my kids.

It's a love that cannot truly be understood until you have children. Doesn't matter how they arrive into your life, whether by birth, adoption, surrogacy, or any other way you can think of to "birth" a child; mamas will step in front of trains for their babies.

This is how we survive, how we've survived. Once upon a time, it was bears and lions. Then it was militias and pillagers, and now, we parents are protecting our children from a myriad of villains. Predators, commercialism, Disney...it's a scary world out there.

I suppose, in the end, I'm more likely to step in front of a Disney movie for my kids.

Perfect light...

Today was another one of those PacNW days that reminds us all why we choose to live in the gray rain 300 days out of the year. Perfect sunshine, perfect breeze, perfect temperature. And all just in time for Mama's Day. It's like Mother Nature came out to celebrate with us human Mamas.

When I walked outside to take the dog out this morning, I was instantly hit with memories. Something about the sunshine, and no doubt my upbringing in California, but sunny mornings always offer up some kind of flashback for me. Today: shorts, sweatshirts, freezing legs standing around waiting for the school bell to ring (and secretly wishing it wouldn't), knowing full well that by lunchtime we'd all be sweltering, but jumping around trying to keep warm nonetheless. Smelling the grass, the dew, and the wind. But, of course, the new addition to that memory: knowing that my husband of almost 6 years, my four year old and my 7 week old (and a big cup of coffee) were waiting for me inside.

The day continued to remain pretty amazing: bikes, barbecue, beer, babies, and of course, bedtime. And bedtime is often my favorite part of the day. Not just because it signals a bit of an end to the "workday" for us mamas, but also because on a sunny day like this, it is the only time of day our little home is lit up. And our bedroom gets the most perfect light from 6-7pm. So, as I was getting ready to read Peanut her bedtime story, with Finleigh joining us to hear all about Barbie Fairy Elina saving spring, I caught this perfect light. A prism on the wall, my Peanut pensively pondering fairies (alliteration much?), and me, with only my point and shoot camera (a new DSLR is on it's way...I'm dying for it!).

 And both of my girls waiting to hear their story. I love that Ryan loves her little sister this much.

I'm a lucky mama...and I live a charmed life. And I thank so many for it. My fabulous husband, my amazing parents, and the myriad of friends that make my life complete and without whom I wouldn't be half the mama I am.

Happy Mother's Day, friends and family.

Reflections...

Lately I've been spending a lot of time reflecting: on who I am, what I love, and what I might like to do with my life (well, our lives, really). Nursing a newborn gives a mama A LOT of time for retrospection.

These thoughts, as of right now, are quite incomplete, and just a jumble of ideas all over the place. Mama's plotting and planning, and trying not to get too far ahead of myself. Six weeks post partum is rarely a good time to make clear decisions about anything.

In the meantime, I'm really enjoying my new camera (have I mentioned that yet? Cause I really love it.). I've taken a few pictures of myself reflected in various windows lately, and I think I might have started something. Mama and her girls, reflected in the window of a Seattle Underwater exhibit at the Aquarium, gave me pause. It is, in a sense, us, reflected in our home. Or maybe it's our home reflected in us. Which is why I dig reflections, and the circular logic it requires to comprehend them. And why, out of all the thinking and reflecting I've been doing lately, I've got nothing but a jumble of thoughts.