Possibilities...

I was looking at Finleigh the other day as she smiled her goofy newborn smile in her sleep (big, open mouth, just goofy) and thinking about what she may be when she grows up. This is something I wonder about my girls all the time...I'm sure most parents do. You look at your sweet baby, or your big kid (made to seem even bigger and more grown up in comparison to the new one) and imagine if they'll be mothers, teachers, lovers, friends.

It was a sweet moment.

And then, this sweet, smiling baby in my lap puked. Exorcist style, projectile, shooting out her nostrils puke. All over me. ALL OVER. Sweet moment FAIL.

Such is life with a newborn...who's no longer a newborn. She's 4 weeks old, a month on Thursday. Where did the time go? I wonder that as I look at this baby who is smiling at us all, cooing and gooing, napping and watching and taking it all in. She smiled for the first time this week: at Ryan. Moments like that are why we have more children; watching them interact is what it's all about.

And watching; I've been doing a lot of that lately. Observing, quietly, often through the lens of my camera, and learning more about my kids as I capture them on camera.

My kids. I still get a kick out of saying that. Or my girls. It's kind of like when Michael and I got married, and for months, got a total kick out of calling each other "my husband" and "my wife". And everytime I say, "my girls", Ryan reminds me that we're "our girls". She's always chatting with Finleigh, reminding her that big sister's here, that big sister loves her, and singing to her.

Speaking of the big sis...her funnies for the week:
hand santizer = "hanitizer"
"mommy, I'm polishing off daddy's oatmeal right now"

"papa, the table's all jacked up" (a favorite phrase in our house)

Finleigh Esther has arrived...

And as is tradition in this family, she arrived with quite the fanfare.

I kept joking with my midwives that I wouldn't even recognize labor until my water broke, since that's how things started with Ryan. They thought I'd be OK. Heck, I was really only joking. I TEACH this stuff...c'mon. Contractions 5 minutes apart, lasting a minute or more, for more than an hour, hard enough that you have to breathe through them. Well, I had those contractions, but they didn't really hurt, and I didn't have to breathe through them unless I was sitting down. That probably should have been clue number one.

Let's back up a bit though...

Saturday (3/20) I decided that I was pretty much done being pregnant, and I was just about ready to do ANYTHING to get this kid out. I mean anything. I bought castor oil. But I didn't take it. I ended up just chilling on Saturday, going to the park, napping, going to a birthday party for Ryan's friend, falling asleep early.

Sunday (3/21) Operation Get Baby Out in full effect. We had no plans, as we'd kind of expected to have a baby by this point. So, off I went to walk, without the Peanut. She walks too slow, and I wanted a bit of time to myself. I headed to Redmond Town Center...I had a 30% off coupon for the Gap, and they had the one and only pair of jeans RE likes on sale. Got those for her, walked a LOT more, did some stairs, then got bored. Felt some cramps while I was walking, but certainly nothing that would stop me. So, I headed to Ben Franklin, and wandered around there for a while. Stopped at a drug store to buy an enema (told you, about ready to try anything), then headed to Trader Joes. Still crampy, but not bad at all. Grocery shopped, and got everything we'd need for the week. By this point, I was tired, so I headed home. Michael and RE were still out (they'd gone to run some errands too), so I decided to get Ryan's spring clothes all washed and ready to go. Then I facebooked (what else would I do?). Michael and Ryan got home, and we made one heck of a dinner (steak with beet and kale risotto - amazing).

After dinner, I couldn't sit still, and my back was really sore, but of course, I chalked it up to having been out all day. So, I folded the laundry, swept the floors, vacuumed, straightened the baby's stuff, cleaned the kitchen, then went off to do that one other thing that gets labor going...you know the one. Well, that might just have been the kicker. Contractions were a pretty consistent 5 minutes apart after that, but they still didn't really hurt (aside from that darn sore back). I sat on the ball while we watched TV and just kind of chilled out. Around 11, we thought maybe we should call the midwives just to give them a heads up that labor would probably be happening at some point that night. We called at about 1130 and my MW suggested I try to get some sleep. I was in bed by midnight.

At 1am, I woke up to a strong contraction (argh, that sounds like one of the things I read my labor classes...so rote). I laid there through it, because this had happened before and they'd faded away. But this one was long and strong. And the next one came pretty close...I think about 3 minutes apart. I tried getting on all fours, but it was horrible, and I was alone, in the dark, stuck in an awful position. I could barely move, but knew I had to get Michael. I hollered, but he sleeps like a brick and didn't hear me. I had to find my way out to the living room...I did, but barely. I made it to the dining room table and bent over it. I told him he had to call the MWs...we made that call at 1:37am.

I made my way back to the bedroom, since leaning over was the only comfortable position I could stand, and I'd rather lean on the bed. Michael bustled around getting the bed made up with the table cloth under it. Meanwhile I'm contracting every minute or so, lasting longer than a minute (time was pretty irrelevant at this point).  My thoughts were a jumble of "ohgodthishurtsican'tbelievei'minlaborhowmuchlongerwillthislastthishurtssobadholyshit". I really had no idea how long this would all last. At some point, I realized I was pushing a bit...crap. The midwives weren't there yet. I yelled to Michael (no idea where he was, probably right by my side, but I really couldn't see anything) that I was pushing. He threw the second plastic cloth under where I was standing, which was a smart idea, as the next little push broke my water. Honestly, one of the thoughts I had at this point was something to the effect of "oh my god, I'm doing this, we're doing this, all by ourselves, and it's totally normal and this is birth and how it's really meant to happen, and I'm pushing with the urge, and no one's telling me what to do or how to do it and this is birth". The next push, which felt like only seconds later, really broke my water. And I mean full on huge gush of water...followed almost immediately by a little head. A head? What?! Where were the MWs?? Yeah, not there yet. Michael supported the head, and I yelled, "oh my god, is that a head? I think that's a head!" Michael replied that yep, it's a head, and was I ready to push out the rest of our baby? Nope, let me breathe for a second. I felt the next contraction, and with it, an amazing urge to push. I guess Michael helped guide the baby's shoulders out, one at a time, turning her a bit and helping her join this world. She squeaked, then cried, then really let it wail. I kept telling her to cry for mama. He handed her to me, but the cord was a little short, so we were in kind of a strange position. He had to help me up to the bed, as I started shaking from adrenaline almost immediately. Not sure how we got up there, but we did, and I flopped over, ecstatic, amazed, awed, and completely blown away. We didn't even really bother to check the sex, we were so overwhelmed with what we'd just done, together, alone. We were still alone. We checked - a girl! I'd known from the get-go...the moment the stick turned pink we were having another girl, but of course, I wasn't positive until she was in my arms.

Finleigh Esther was born at 2:04am on March 22, 2010. At home. Caught by her daddy. While RE slept (yes, slept through mommy yelling and screaming and moaning). And the midwives and friends drove.

Patty arrived first...Michael greeted her at the door, and told her that the baby was here. She was disbelieving. And then, apparently, a little panicked. But upon arriving in the room, realized all was OK. It was great to have her here...she got me a pillow, found some blankets for me, and just kind of held my head until the midwives arrived.

Lindsay got here the same time as the midwives...she was also in shock that the baby was already here. Well, so were the midwives, really! Lindsay started taking pictures almost immediately, since that was her job. I'm bummed there were no pics of the birth itself, but it was such an awesome experience I wouldn't trade it.

The midwives were a little concerned, of course, wanting to make sure the placenta came out...it was now about 20 minutes after birth and the placenta really showed no signs of wanting to separate. We gave it a few more minutes...then they had to do some manipulating to get it out, but it came out, cleanly, and without any excess bleeding, so we were all set. They checked me out, and were I think a little surprised to find that all was totally fine.

By this time, Finleigh was nursing, so we let her nurse, and chatted about what had happened, and laughed and talked until she was done and ready to be examined. We woke up Ryan at some point in here. She was super excited to meet her sister, and since she missed the whole placenta/umbilical cord thing, she was really into watching her get weighed and measured. She weighed in at 7 pounds, 8 ounces, and 20 inches long. A full pound and an inch and a half bigger than Ryan was. They hung around for a little while longer, and around 4am, everyone left. Patty helped get Ryan back to sleep, and Finleigh and I settled in for the rest of the morning to sleep.

Around 730, we woke up to Ryan wanting to make sure her little sister was really here. I'm sure she thought it might have been a dream. I know I was wondering the same thing myself...

At this point, I know it's cliche, but I can't imagine our household without Finleigh. She's a part of us, and an amazing part. She's certainly brought Michael and I closer together...who knew when I started dating him in high school that someday he'd be catching my babies!?

Welcome to the world Finleigh Esther. We love you.

A few completed projects.

The shirt I made for myself...so I'll have something pretty to wear after the baby arrives. Ryan loved the fabrics so much she asked for a dress made of it, so we'll try to get that happening for her soon.

I'm often asked what Ryan does while I sew...she plays with thread, fabric, scissors, pins, etc. She loves it, and I love that it's introducing her to sewing at an early age!

Used to be a wrap, now it's a few blankets, hats, and even a pair of pants! And it's the yummiest, softest knit. Love Wrapsody wraps!!

 
And the cute dress I whipped up for Ryan out of some pre-smocked fabric. Love that stuff...and she loves the dress.

Lots of crafting happening...

...as a lovely way to pass the time waiting for baby.

Ryan made these shirts for the baby, very stylish. She even added her name to one of them, just in case we forget who the baby belongs to.

This is the massive pile of stuff I've got planned out...we'll see how much I get done before baby arrives!

Pluma Luma

Yeah, I know you don't know what that is.

I didn't either until RE explained it to me.

"Mom, Kimmie's (the imaginary friend) family has a new name."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah. They're the Pluma Luma family now."
"Oookkkaaaay. And what is Pluma Luma?"
"Well, it's pink and purple and blue and white all mixed together and swirly."
"Cool, kiddo."

And that is now her favorite color.


This is what pluma luma looks like. On a VW Bug. Which is what Kimmie drives, because Kimmie is 22. Or somedays, she's 26. And somedays, she's 40, which RE knows is older than mommy, thus older than God!

She's got a wild imagination...and we love it. The things she comes up with sometimes just amaze us. She's also created some really elaborate directions to get to Kimmie's house in the woods, and has even drawn maps to it. It usually involves driving up there, around here, past the forest, over the river, around some rocks, and then, you're there! Kimmie lives in the mountains where it snows, you see.

She's also WAY into Barbies right now. And yes, I love it. Though I think she has more than I did at any point in my Barbie collecting days. The girl's got quite the collection. My favorite one? The one she calls "Holiday Hooker Barbie". It's the Target Holiday Barbie, and well, she looked like a hooker. So, when she unwrapped her, that was my first, uncensored reaction (I know, the verbal diarrhea has to end at some point). And that is now how she refers to that particular Barbie. Whoops.

Her best buddy, Wesley, got her a pink convertible Barbie car for her birthday...BIG HIT! It's quite possibly her favorite birthday thing. Barbie drives everywhere, with her seatbelt. She's also going to get a KEXP sticker on the back, because, well, KEXP is awesome. And I have to "cool" the car up a bit.

And of course, she's super excited to be a big sister. She runs up to my belly and gives big hugs, and tells me that this hug is for the baby, as she wraps her arms around literally, just the belly! Her sibling class is next week, with the infamous Penny Simkin and I, for one, can't wait. I know Ryan will love the class, and I know she'll love being a big sister. Though she has decided that should we give birth to a little brother, we should name it Poopy. Michael and I are thinking that's a NO. If it's a girl, she thinks we ought to call her Talleigh Rock Star. Yeah, we'll see.

And, she's four...

Wow. Do we really have a four year old? I know we have a new one on the way, but I still can't believe that my first baby is 4 (or that my dog is almost 7). She's an amazing, funny, passionate, imaginative, surly little thing, and for all her challenges, I wouldn't trade her for the world. I've been grading some papers lately, and the high school seniors were asked to write about what love is. Their definitions, though they certainly evoked memories, focused solely on the only thing they can even fathom: romantic love.

What they don't know, the big secret, is that as amazing as it is to find another person to love, and be loved by, your soul mate, or whatever you call it, is that the love a parent has for a child is even more amazing. And the love one develops for the partner who helps you create that child is so much stronger than it could have been without. A parent will truly step in front of a train for their child. Give up nearly everything for that child...make changes she never thought she'd make, and become a person she never knew she could. I have grown so much as a person in the last four years...I barely recognize myself (this is a good thing). Much as I'm always changing and evolving, I feel like I really know myself, who I am, and what I want to be when I grow up someday.

An amazing role model for an amazing girl (and her equally amazing little sibling to come).

And so, Peanut, mama loves you...more than you'll know until you have babies someday. Happy Birthday little one.

Hurry up and wait...

Being pregnant is an exercise in patience. And I'm not a particularly patient person. Now that this pregnancy has progressed to a point where I can no longer forget about it (amazing, I know, but I was so energetic that I'd actually forget I was knocked up), and it's limiting my abilities to do things, I'm ready to be done. No, I'm  not ready for the kiddo to be out, it's not done cooking, but I'm ready for the baby, sure. The house is ready, more or less, my brain is ready, as much as it can be, and Michael, Ryan and I are all so curious about this little creature.

Now, we're antsy.

We've been a whirlwind of activity the last few weeks, doing this, running here, cleaning out that, and now that we're nearly done, it's kind of a let-down. We've run at least one truckload a weekend to the storage unit, and the house is actually starting to look uncluttered. We've given tons of our junk (one man's trash, and all that) to goodwill, and are selling some of the bigger items on craigslist (DVD towers, anyone?). We're picking up the changing table tomorrow...that's the last thing I need to be able to finalize all the baby organization.

What do you do when there's nothing left to do? I'm too tired to go out. We're too busy saving money to buy stuff (that never makes me happy anyway). I love to bake, but have a hard time finding people to eat it all (yay for upcoming birthdays). I'm in the mood to socialize, but in no mood to be around people. Ahhh, the end of pregnancy blahs. I'm really looking forward to this baby being here and feeling a little bit more like myself.

At least we've got Ryan and Michael's birthdays to entertain us in the meantime. And of course, mama will sew, but it's not a whole lot of fun to sew for a child whose gender is unknown to us. So Ryan will get more stuff, no doubt...Sure, I could organize more things, clean out more little nooks and crannies in the house (and I'm sure I will), but I guess I'm getting a little bored of that too. And tired. But it's so nice to have the house all sorted out before our new little whirlwind arrives. The tiniest little people make so much mess (laundry, mostly).

We're ready for you baby...now we've nothing left to do but hurry up and wait.

Out of wrapping paper.

Those that know me well know I love a bit of a Martha Stewart holiday. I like all my presents wrapped in the same paper, my tree decorated in a particular color scheme, and I have pretty strict guidelines on this. So much so that one year, I wrapped all of our gifts in this silver paper with white stars and tied green Pottery Barn twill tape onto each. It was the year after we got married, and we had that twill tape coming out the wahoo (didn't help that as a joke, a friend wrapped up a spool of it for us; he worked there). I loved that silver paper. Ryan's first holiday was entirely wrapped in that paper, and the pictures of the aftermath are some of my favorites.

Holiday 2006

But this year, I ran out.

It was bound to happen. I'd had this SAME ROLL of paper for at least 6 years (yay for Costco wrapping paper). I used it, like I said, for everything. For years. It was even generic enough that I wrapped a few wedding gifts in it. I'm not sure what to do now. I feel a little at a loss...do I buy a new roll of paper to define family holidays for the next 5 years? Or is it time to give up that ideal of the "perfect" holiday and just take it as it comes? Is this a good excuse to look for holiday fabric and make reusable bags for gifts?

Holiday 2007

And in a way, finishing this roll of wrapping paper signifies the end of a few different eras for our family. Michael and I both turned 30 in 2009, saying goodbye (hopefully) to the stupidity and recklessness of our twenties. 2010 will mark the arrival of our second child, and possibly a move into an actual home (one separate from our neighbors). I feel like we've let go of a lot in the last year: things, cars, baggage. And it's helped us to clear the way to move forward.

Holiday 2009, the last present wrapped with this paper.

So, farewell old silver with stars wrapping paper. Though I'll miss you, it's time to move on.

(And for the record, due to pregnancy hormones being in FULL GEAR, I'm crying as I type this. Yes, I'm admitting to crying over wrapping paper. I know it's a metaphor and all that, but geez.)

Holiday recap

The holidays, were, as always for us, a blur. I keep trying to find a way to capture some semblance of slow in a season that seems to thrive on fast, but so far, I've had little success. Between being pregnant (and getting ever moreso with each day), planning for travel, and trying to make most of our holiday gifts, there seemed little time or energy left to enjoy the quiet.

But we made it, we've survived, and as I type, I sit in my parent's living room, thinking about how strange it is to be back "home" when it's not really home anymore. I miss being home. I miss being home for Christmas. It's been lovely to spend the holiday with my family, but it's been hectic.

It all started with the plane ride, always a highlight for Peanut. Though I think she likes the idea of flying much more than being trapped on a plane! The next day, we had pictures taken with the ever fabulous Lori of Images by Lori. If you live in Pleasanton, or anywhere in the Bay Area, really, go see her next time you need family shots, kid shots, belly shots, baby shots, etc. She's truly, truly amazing. Ryan was a grump, but Lori still managed to get some great shots of her, and not only did we get fantastic belly pictures, but Ryan's 4 year pictures as well (it's only a month shy).

Wednesday we went to the Nutcracker in San Francisco. Amazing, as I suspected it would be...the dancers are phenomenal, choreography to die for and costumes were amazing. Ryan, unfortunately, was a little bored. I misjudged her abilities to sit through things like that, plus we met up with Uncle Mike and Aunt Allison as we were going into the show, so I think she was just super excited to see them and had a really hard time sitting still. She ended up dancing in her seat area for most of the show, humming along to the music. Each time a song came out that she recognized, she's whisper-shout "Nutcracker music!". She was also disappointed that she wasn't going to be onstage. I'm not sure how, but she was under the impression that she was going to be on stage in her fancy dress. Maybe in a few years...If I take her again next year, it will probably have to be a children's performance, or at least something a lot less pricey!! Traffic was awful coming home, and Ryan cried for about 40 minutes on the way home. WAY out of character for her...she's usually so easy going. We survived though, and she stayed up far too late playing with her Aunt and Uncle.

We did Christmas Eve as our big food/present day, and had a blast. Michael and I took over the kitchen, and cooked up quite a meal. Mike and Allison brought a fantastic butternut squash soup along with an apple crisp dessert, and helped us in the kitchen. The four of us had a great time, and it was another opportunity for Michael and I to spend a little more time with our sis-in-law. We're so glad she chose to join our crazy family...

Ryan loved opening presents from everyone, including the highlight of the day, her new bike from her Aunt and Uncle! The bike is awesome, and she loves riding it. It's a big girl bike, 2 wheels with training wheels, and we're still working on a plan to get it back to Seattle.

Christmas Day we all crept downstairs to see if Santa had in fact come to Nonna and Papa's house...he did!! Mommy and daddy are mean, and made her wait for us to brew coffee before we'd let her open anything, but she was patient. And as she was slowly opening her gift, she was telling Nonna and Papa all about how she asked Santa for a cash register and she realized what she was opening. She got SO excited, shouting that Santa did get her letter, and did bring her what she'd asked for and it was so cool and Santa is so cool, etc, etc, etc. It was sweet to see her so excited about all of it. She's at such a cool age for all of this. She got lots of other fun gifts from Nonna and Papa, and mommy and daddy. She also enjoyed handing presents around to everyone else.

This morning, we headed over to Vic's in Ptown for a fantastic breakfast. Standard issue eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast and yum, was it good stuff! We'll be heading back tomorrow for brekkie with a crew of old friends, some of whom we haven't seen in ages. We love how we can connect with this group, and it's like no time has passed, and yet we all mesh seamlessly into one another lives, still. We're older, chubbier, have kids now (or don't, and to be fair, some are thinner), and yet, are still entirely relevant to one another. It's really astonishing to see how connected we've stayed over the years.

And in the end, it's that connectedness that makes the holidays what they should be. Whether busy, slow, mellow or crazy, connecting with friends and family is what it's all about.

Because I couldn't have said it better...

I'm sharing what a friend wrote today. I know it's been a while since I've blogged, and I'll get on that sooner than later, but Heidi of Silly Goose Baby blogged the other day about something I've mused rather heavily on for a while. And she said it better than I could have. Enjoy it.